POST IRONMAN BLUES!

Ryan (not Bryan!) Adams on “Gold” sang about the “Rescue Blues”. Well, I bet you he never had the Triathlon equivalent, the Post Ironman Blues. I can just imagine the first few lines;

“Well, I woke up this morning, with those Post Ironman blues.

I phoned up the Triathlon Doctor, I just don’t know what to do. All I want to do is Swim, Bike & Run. And nothing else I do gives me that much fun.......”

It’s a weird feeling after an Ironman, it’s like a post Christmas hangover. You look forward to it so much, then suddenly it’s all over and you are like a junkie without a fix.

I have never smoked or gambled, so I have no need for Gamblers Anonymous. The only problem I have ever had with drink is spilling it, so again no need for Alcoholics Anonymous. In the same way there is a patch to cure nicotine addiction, is there one to cure addiction to Ironman? I suppose there is, it’s an Ironman tattoo. Every time you see it you remember the pain and you swear never to do another one.

I found out recently that there is an Ironman Help Line (telephone number 226-999). All calls of course would be completely confidential. I phoned the 0800 number and tentatively asked:

“Hello, is that the Post Ironman hotline?”

“It sure is, just give me a moment son, while I get off my turbo trainer, that’s better, now, what’s the problem? Oh, by the way, what’s your name?”

“This is all completely confidential, isn’t it?

“It sure is, your secrets are safe with me. What did you say your name was?” “Well I’ll say it’s Peter”.

“Why’s that?” “Because it is”. I blurted out.

“Are you sitting comfortably?” he asked.

I looked at my workout bench longingly, but decided to stay put on the sofa. I held the phone with my sweaty fingers and decided to confess all.

“How bad is the problem?” “It’s normal to feel this way when you finish one Ironman”. I had to go for it and confess all. “Actually I have completed.... 9.” There was a sharp intake of breath at the other end of the phone. “9 son! This is serious, how long have you had the bug?”

“Since 1990”.

“Eighteen years..... “ “Have you tried drink or drugs?”

“Nothing can compare with the buzz I get on the finish line, that rush you get that builds up for months and gushes out as you approach the finish line, it’s just.... untouchable, irreplaceable.... you savour each finish line.... excuse me, while I wipe my mouth as I’m dribbling.........”

“No problem son, how have you de-toxed the week after? I presume your coach told you to do nothing?”

“Yes of course, but it would have been churlish not to turn up for a wee swim on the Tuesday night to receive the congratulations from my peers. Then on Wednesday the dog needed exercise so ....... I took her for a run..”

“Hold on son, you could have taken the dog for a walk......”

“Yeh, well it’s a fairly even contest, she has a dodgy left hip and her Vet tells her not to run and I have a dodgy right hip and my Doctor tells me not to run, so we are fairly evenly matched but it’s not all bad news”.

“Why’s that son?”

“Only one of us chases sticks”.

“Very funny son . How did the run feel?”

“Well about 5 ½ hrs shorter than the marathon last Saturday.”

“I’ll do the funnies son. You know what I mean”.

“Well it felt good as I put one foot in front of the other and gathered a bit of momentum. I just started to feel those endorphins being set free again..... It was just so liberating... I just wanted to run and run......”

“Oh dear, I see we have a problem here. Tell me are you the only person in your Club to complete this particular form of sadomasochism?”?

“No, no”, I confess,”we have more Ironman Triathletes in our club than any other in Ireland he same week end I completed Mariviaman, so did William” ( I decided not to tell him any surnames for the point of view of anonymity) “and the very next day Simpson and Artie did Nice and this week The Fletch and Ronnie the Kidd take on Ironman Frankfurt.”.

“Oh, dear”, I heard the voice on the other end of the line say,”I can see this is a serious addiction. Once you have alcoholics, sorry Ironmen, clustered together it’s harder than doing cold turkey, you have to get away from these people, they’re dangerous!”.

“No they are not”, I stammered. “Ok, they are a bit unhinged and a bit demented but they are nice people”.

“How many hours training were you doing in a week?” he demanded.

“Just 12, William was up to 18!” I blurted out.

“Don’t snitch!” he shouted. “Hey what’s that noise I hear in the background?” I said.

“Is that the sound of a turbo trainer ticking over?”, for once there was a spot of hesitation.

“Ah well no, well, possibly. Well I was just spinning!

“How many Ironmen did you do?” I demanded , as I felt the boot was now on the other foot”.

“Ten, he admitted...... a year”.

“Hold on, that makes me positively sane!. How did you do ten a year, you are not from the Czech Republic by any chance?. Cause I met blokes who were doing ten a year but didn’t want to shake hands with them in case I caught a contagious disease called Ironman-itis.......”

“How did you manage to break the cycle, if you excuse the pun?”

“Oh, quite simple, everything just gave up on me, muscles ligaments, bones, body, fatigue syndrome, ME, you name it, I have got it. You are surrounded by the paraphernalia of it. There is the magazines, like 220, there is the late night ITU shows on Sky and Setanta there is just no escape, Is there?

“No, there isn’t”, I agreed. “What about a solution, could I go back to maybe just running, or maybe a wee sprint Triathlon?”

“Look son, that’s like giving up whiskey and going back onto the shandy. You know it will just lead you back to the Ironman/whiskey, don’t you?

“Yes”, I admitted. “Then there is the gear, all those shirts and clothing with that very coveted Ironman logo on it. You can even get a golf bag with the logo on it. Maybe I could try giving up Ironman and taking up golf?”

“No son, you tried that and you ended up setting a record at Castlerock , of completing 18 holes in 31 mins. by running, without the clubs, flat out, didn’t you?”

“How did you know that, It’s like the secret police here!”

“Hey, I’ve got your file in front of me now; it looks like an incorrigible and classic case of a complete addiction to the Ironman. To stop drinking or smoking or gambling or Ironman you have to want to stop son, you know that don’t you?”

I nodded down the phone which wasn’t very smart, but he continued anyway.

“But can you stop at number nine?”

“Could I do just one more please?” I pleaded.

“Stop begging son, it’s not pretty”,

“But if I get to number ten, I will be the first ejit in Ireland to get to that number, then I promise I’d stop, honest”.

“Oh yeh, sure”, the voice on the other end sounded sarcastic, “then you’ll want number eleven, then you will want to get to the dozen, then the bakers dozen, then you wouldn’t want to stick on the ugly number thirteen, you would be shooting for twenty and making Peter Ferris look normal. Look, it will just be like back to square one, wouldn’t it? There might be a solution though”.

“Yes, what?”

“If you get to number ten, go for a tattoo and you can raise funds for charity by getting people to guess where you are going to put it!. It will be so painful, it will put you off, but hold on, I had forgotten you like pain, don’t you?”

“Yes”. I sheepishly admitted, “Without pain there can be no pleasure”.

“Oh dear, this case is the worst I have heard, still when the training and racing is over, you can get away from it, can’t you?”

“Ah..” I pause, “not exactly”.

“I go and watch other races and commentate on them in Ireland, Scotland, Wales and England, it’s just such a buzz!

“OK, here’s what we’ll do. Now I have your address, and I am going to send round the nurses with the tranquilliser gun, just one shot of adrenaline will be all that’s needed, agreed?”.

“Ok”, I replied”, just one last request, “Can she wear a tri suit?”

“I’ll certainly ask the male nurses to wear their tri suits if that’s what you want.... Now, I have to get back to my turbo, sorry, my tea. Now for this consultation there is the usual fee, just stay on line and give your Mastercard details to Triathletes Just Want to have Fun.com.”

“Ok, thanks”, I mumbled, as my sweaty hands were about to replace the receiver.

“One last question”, he barked, “any other training this week?”

“Well the DVD’s had to be returned to Xtravision, so I just biked in with them, but it was downhill, honest”.

“If it was, it wasn’t downhill home, was it?”

“No”, I had to confess, and decided not to admit that I had actually enjoyed the pain of the uphill journey more than the easy downhill trip, I thought some information has to stay private......